An eating disorder

 

 

Commonly known as bulimia,  Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder and a serious mental health problem.

Someone who suffers from bulimia might feel parts of their lives are out of control.

They will purge to give them a sense of control. To purge generally means to get rid of something unwanted.

From an eating disorder perspective, purging means doing things to compensate for eating, such as:

• Self-induced vomiting

• Taking laxatives/diuretics

• Exercising excessively

Bulimia Nervosa is a serious condition that can cause long-term damage, but there is always help available.

 

Having Bulimia Nervosa

 

 

Many people with bulimia nervosa have a very unhealthy eating cycle. This may have just suddenly started or like in my case it came from childhood. When I had bulimia nervosa I would take it to the extreme. I would throw up after nearly every meal.

I would also binge eat to the extreme. I would eat an uncontrolled quantity of food. This usually involved food that was high in calories. This is called (binge eating). Next, I would go and throw it all up. This is called (purging). During this stage, I had a lack of self-control.

 

So how did my Bulimia Nervosa start?

 

There is no way to know how it started. I assume it started from having very low self-esteem, huge body issues and just never feeling good enough. I always had feelings of shame. Shame for talking and shame for just being.

From a young child, I suffered from many different forms of abuse. Maybe this led to my bulimia and anorexia but it also may not. The abuse I suffered was all different types. One was going to the cinema with a friend. Then the old man sitting next to me shoved his hand in between my legs. Going to a darts match with my family and the Hawaiian darts player shoving his hand up my shorts. The boys at school attacked me. On a school trip to France, a French man came running up to me, grabbed me, threw me to the ground bit my nose then ran off. Even a family member did untoward things. These could have been the triggers or it could have been something else.

 

I went into my shell

I was scared of men

 

 

This type of abuse made me scared of most people, especially men. I didn’t want people looking at me and when I got older it got even worse. If people started staring at my boobs, my legs or any part of my body that made it worse.

When I was growing up life was all about how you looked. Magazines would have pictures of film stars and models. They were so skinny and what I thought was perfect. I then focused on weight.

 

I started to become anorexic when I was about 14 years old

 

But no one in my family seemed to notice. I would hide my food and do all sorts of other tricks, just so I could not eat. It was only when I met my first boyfriend that I stopped being anorexic. Meeting him did not stop my eating disorders I just changed one eating disorder into another one. This time it was bulimia nervosa.

Bulimia, or bulimia nervosa is a dangerous and scary eating disorder. One that most of us try and hide. I am not ashamed to say I have bulimia anymore. I want to help others who are suffering from this terrible disorder.

Finding out or admitting you suffer from bulimia is soul-destroying in many ways. But once you have found out or admitted it your life improves for the better.

The first time I found out I had bulimia nervosa was when I felt forced to go to the doctor. When I say forced I mean I felt like I was forced. But I was never really forced. I felt forced mainly because I never believed I had anything wrong with me. Let alone an eating disorder. So all I could think was why was I being taken to a doctor?

 

What are the causes of bulimia nervosa?

 

 

There is not one specific cause for why anyone develops bulimia nervosa. But there are many reasons why you might develop bulimia and many factors that can cause bulimia.

An eating disorder can be a way of coping with distressing emotions and feelings. Eating disorders can affect people of all genders, races, and ages. While research often focuses on girls and women, one study indicates that about 25% (or more) of people who meet the criteria of an eating disorder are male.

Another study showed that black teenagers are 50% more likely to have an eating disorder than white teenagers.

 

1 – The effects on you

 

I usually always felt a feeling of being sad or stressed before I would binge.

Many people have the same traits, these traits are

• Low self-esteem or feeling worthless.

• Perfectionism.

• Fear of being inadequate.

• Also fear of rejection.

• Then a strong desire to gain the approval of others.

 

2 – Common Behaviors

 

• Frequent bathroom visits during or shortly after meals.

• Avoiding social situations that involve food.

• When injured still exercising.

• Outside in bad weather still exercising.

• Refusing to interrupt exercise for any reason.

• Insisting on performing a certain number of repetitions of exercises.

• Exhibiting distress if unable to exercise.

• Exercise as permission to eat.

• Secretive or hidden exercise.

• Strong focus on body shape, weight, and appearance.

• Social withdrawal or isolation from friends.

• Avoidance of previously enjoyed activities.

• Distorted body image.

• Heightened sensitivity to comments or criticism about body shape or weight, eating, or exercise habits.

 

3 – The symptoms of Bulimia Nervosa

 

• Always feeling ashamed or guilty. Especially after I had been binge eating.

• Being preoccupied with my weight. To the extent that I over-exercised.

• Always felt my body was bigger and a different shape than it was.

• Feeling out of control I was constantly trying to regain control.

• Always feeling anxious and I did not know but I was depressed.

• Lacked confidence and self-esteem, even though I may have seemed like I had loads.

• Becoming good at hiding things. I became a very good actor.

• I’d developed ways that I could vomit in whatever circumstance I was in.

• Sometimes irritable and moody.

• Obsessive behaviours and self-loathing.

• I’d make changes in my clothing style (such as wearing baggy clothes or dressing in layers.)

• Sometimes I would have sudden or rapid weight loss.

• Worried about a vomit smell on my breath, so I would be constantly using mints, and chewing gum.

• Feeling numb and never good enough.

 

4 – The physical symptoms of Bulimia Nervosa

 

• Weight loss or frequent weight changes. If I gained a pound that would send me into a huge binge-eating episode. Many people with bulimia stay the same weight but I would always change.

• My periods were very irregular but I also had endometriosis so it was hard to tell the real cause.

• Always feeling tired and lethargic. So, I would drink lots of coffee and over-exercise. After exercising I would have energy so I would drink wine to feel alive.

• I’d have constipation, bloating, and stomach pains. I also had I.B.S. (Irritable bowel syndrome). This can also be a side effect of endometriosis.

• Having a sore throat and damaged teeth from stomach acid because of making myself sick. I always tried to stop just before the bile. But my dentist was the one who asked am I throwing up a lot. So, I changed dentist.

• A puffy face.

• My hands and feet would be swollen. But I assumed this was due to water retention.

• Broken blood vessels in my eyes. So, it stopped me from using contact lenses.

• Then I would have calluses or scrapes all over my knuckles.

• My teeth had slight damage to them.

 

5 – The patterns

 

I always had strange eating patterns when it comes to food and I have been like this since a child. I would not want to eat any fat and would sit there for what felt like hours cutting off every bit of fat.

There are no exact patterns that everyone follows but it is a pattern that someone suffering from an eating disorder develops all on their own.

 

What help is available?

St. Ann’s Hospital (Mental Health)

 

 

St Ann’s Hospital was my help, but there are many other options –  Ways to get help.

When it came to the day of going to St Ann’s for my appointment I did not want to go in my car. My car was very noticeable and as I was shaking so much, I could not drive. So I asked my girlfriend to take me and sit in the reception with me. This was so if there was anyone there, I knew I could pretend I was there to help her. She knew this, as I told her and she did not mind. She said she would do anything to help me get better.

When my name was called I got up and shook. I then followed a short stocky man into a room.  The room had a chair and a desk. This was nothing like the therapy rooms I had seen on TV.

 

This man introduced himself as Kiran

 

He was very nice, very calm and made me feel at ease even though he was a man. After a small amount of talking, I was then given some paperwork to fill out. They told me I could not start bulimia treatment therapy until they had looked at the answers and assessed my problem. They would then decide the course of action that should be taken. He did say from what I have told him so far he wanted to see me twice a week.

When I arrived at my second session, I was told I had bulimia nervosa. What is bulimia nervosa I asked. He explained due to the extreme amount of binging and purging I was doing. I had bulimia nervosa not bulimia. He said as I could binge and purge up to 10 times a day this was a serious problem.

I spent the next two years in therapy. But I am now fully recovered. That does not mean it is no longer on my mind. Bulimia will always be on my mind. I am just aware of the triggers now. If you would like to find out more about my treatment please press here. Bulimia treatment after 2 graceful friends discovered mine.

 

Takeaway

 

 

Bulimia Nervosa can cause serious physical damage to your body. Vomiting can damage your teeth. Laxative misuse can lead to heart disease and digestive problems such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and constipation.

Anyone can develop bulimia at any time in their life. It’s important to get help as quickly as you can if you think you have bulimia. Do not wait like I did, until my friends discovered me throwing up. As that only led to even more shame. I felt like I was forced into getting help as everyone threw up, didn’t they? Somewhere deep down I knew that most people don’t throw up otherwise I would not have felt shame and I would have talked about it.

If you are suffering please get help ASAP as bulimia is life-damaging in so many ways. It is also a disease you can not heal on your own. Below are also some books I recommend you to read. They helped me a lot. I needed help from many different resources for me to recover, this was also due to my dissociation.