Going to St. Ann’s

Bulimia or bulimia nervosa treatment is hard. It can take a lot out of you. Even going to the appointment once you found out can be soul-destroying.

When it came to the day of going to St Ann’s for my appointment for my bulimia treatment. I asked my girlfriend to take me as I did not want to go in my car.

My car was very noticeable and as I was shaking so much, I could not drive. I asked my girlfriend to sit in the reception with me.

This was if there was anyone there, I knew I could pretend I was there to help her. She knew this, as I told her and she did not mind. She said she would do anything to help me get better.

When my name was called I got up. Then followed a short stocky man into a room.  The room had a chair and a desk. This was nothing like the therapy rooms I had seen on TV.

This man introduced himself as Kiran

He was very nice, very calm and made me feel at ease.

After a small amount of talking, I was then given some paperwork to fill out. They told me I could not start bulimia treatment therapy until they had looked at the answers and assessed my problem.

They would then decide the course of action that should be taken. He said from what I have told him he wanted to see me twice a week.

I explained this was impossible as I have customers booked three months in advance. After lots of talking, we agreed I could go very early in the morning before I start my hair customers.

Three days later

So, three days later back I went for my bulimia treatment. I again asked my girlfriend to drive me as I felt I needed support. She was very happy too even though she hated getting up early.

During this session, I was told I had bulimia nervosa. What is bulimia nervosa I asked. What is the difference between bulimia nervosa and bulimia? He explained due to the extreme amount of binging ( Eating large amounts of food) and purging I was doing. I had bulimia nervosa not bulimia. Both are binge eating disorders. Bulimia I had heard of but never bulimia nervosa.

They said as I could binge and purge up to 10 times a day this was a serious problem.

I had never heard of this extra word before so I asked him what it meant.

I was told this was a serious eating disorder and a version of bulimia. This is often linked to anorexia.

Anorexia

He then asked if had I ever been anorexic. I explained that I did not know but I did remember my mum’s friends once saying to my mum they thought her daughter was anorexic.

Never hearing that word before I had no idea what it meant. I also started to wonder what causes bulimia and anorexia.

I was always very skinny when I was young. Kiran then asked me if had I ever done self-abuse like cutting myself.

I explained that I may have done it once or twice. I think he knew full well that once or twice was a lie as his face looked sad.

If you would like to know the symptoms of bulimia nervosa and the characteristics of bulimia nervosa. Please look at my blog. Bulimia Nervosa – Discover 5 acclaimed effects on you

My world became small

What I did not know at the time was my world became small. It became only me and my bulimia. My eating disorder. 

I got to the stage where death did not scare me. I wanted to die. My bulimia was controlling me in all ways.

What I was going through I could not stand. As the treatment for bulimia was bringing up so many memories. So, living scared me more than dying.

During this treatment, I was not allowed to mention any of what I was going through.

Not to my parents or my brother. I was told I was not to mention any of it until I had fully recovered.

This was so hard as I would go and have dinner with my parents and they would ask what I had been doing. Everything I said became a lie.

So many memories coming out and I had to learn to control them all. At times I just wanted to scream or end my life. I also did not want to fail I wanted to succeed no matter how hard this was.

My whole life became lies my whole life has always been lies. I’ve always been told by my mum don’t say this or don’t say that to your brother. So, I never do.

I keep so much quiet it’s unreal. To be honest, now I feel that the past is the past. It’s not my job to tell anyone anything. It is up to the person to tell not me.

Two years later after trying to control my bulimia

It was a long time before I got through these sessions for my bulimia. So, it took me a long time to be released from what I call the mental institution.

One of the main problems that stopped me from recovering so quickly was that I would disassociate.

Kiran said I was the most difficult patient he had ever dealt with for recovery from bulimia. Due to my amazing power to be able to disassociate.

If you would like to know what  I went through and would describe my disassociation please click on my post dissociation.

He said he had never met anyone who could literally switch off to anything that was going on or had gone on.

I remember him saying this is a powerful way of coping with things but can also be very dangerous.

Eventually being told I no longer needed treatment

I wanted to scream

I asked Kiran how could I do this on my own.  What was I going to do? How could I do this without him?

He told me that I had so much strength that I could do anything. look at how I have coped with all that I have been through already. That I have the strength to also not let this beat me.

He told me they wanted to give me some antidepressants. As they realized I was also suffering from depression. He told me these antidepressants would stop me from wanting to throw up.

They explained that for the first 6 months, I may not want to eat much. As the tablets will make me feel sick rather than force me to be sick. This would then make it a lot easier to cope on my own.

Takeaway

Bulimia Nervosa can cause serious physical damage to your body. Vomiting can damage your teeth. Laxative misuse can lead to heart disease and digestive problems such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and constipation.

Anyone can develop bulimia at any time in their life. It’s important to get help as quickly as you can if you think you have bulimia.

Do not do what I did and wait until my friends discovered me throwing up. That only led to me feeling shame and like I was forced into getting help. I thought they were being nasty to me because I thought everyone threw up.

Somewhere deep down I knew that most people don’t throw up otherwise I would not have felt shame and I would have talked about it.