My journey

Self-love

I began my journey of discovering self-love many years ago. Back then, I didn’t fully grasp the significance of self-love until I realised it held the answers to so many of my questions.

As a teenager, I struggled deeply with an eating disorder and depression, and these challenges persisted for about thirty-five years of my life. Looking back, much of it feels like a blur because I often dissociate from the pain of existence. Despite my job requiring constant interaction with others, I found myself avoiding people when outside of work. I felt like each day brought a new obstacle to overcome and I was merely existing and not truly living.

Eventually, about five years ago I reached a turning point. Through perseverance and exploration, I discovered tools that helped me cope with the lows I faced. One of the most impactful tools was the practice of self-love. I delved into books on the subject, I studied to be an Emotional Intelligence coach, I studied Psychology and wrote daily affirmations that I pinned on my wall. I began treating myself with more kindness and appreciation. I also found solace in helping others, whether they were people in need or animals.

Yet, despite all these efforts, I’ve come to realise that my understanding of self-love was incomplete. It’s more than just affirmations and acts of kindness, it’s about accepting myself wholly, flaws and all, and nurturing a genuine connection with myself.

My journey with self-love continues to evolve

I am still learning what it truly means and how to integrate it fully into my life. Each day brings new insights and opportunities for growth, as I strive to live authentically and compassionately towards myself and others.

I vividly remember saying to my boyfriend “How much more work on self-love do I need to keep doing in my life? Isn’t thirty-five years enough?” We were sat on the plane, coming back from the UK after helping my parents. So at that time, I felt utterly helpless and discouraged. I felt that despite all the inner work I had put in, it seemed like nothing was changing.

I was frustrated because I believed that after dedicating so much time to improving myself, things should have been different. I expected to attract supportive people who shared my passion for helping animals. I wanted a job where I didn’t feel used or controlled, and I thought my entrepreneurial efforts should have been more successful. Above all, I longed for happiness.

But life had more lessons for me

Before I could truly grasp the essence of self-love.

A few years later, my frustration with my job peaked as I watched others In Kampot, Cambodia enjoy a live music night. While I remained tied to my teaching responsibilities. It was during a moment of reflection, perhaps while sorting through my teaching materials, that a realisation hit me like a bolt of lightning.

Suddenly, I felt a profound sense of self-appreciation flooding my entire being. Kindness and compassion enveloped me without reason or effort. It was at that moment that I saw how harshly I had been treating myself all these years, betraying and abandoning myself in countless ways.

I understood that until I truly loved and honoured myself, I couldn’t find a more fulfilling job, receive help for my animal advocacy, or experience genuine happiness. It was my lack of self-love that held me back, making me feel unworthy of the success and joy I sought.

It took time to integrate this realisation and understand how my self-love, or lack thereof, directly influenced my unsuccessful businesses, draining career, and overall dissatisfaction with life.

In the years that followed

I developed my understanding of self-love. I used to think it was merely a feeling toward myself, but now I see it as a daily practice. Self-love is about consistently choosing myself, prioritising my needs, and treating myself with kindness and compassion. It’s about selecting people, situations, and experiences that uplift and serve me well.

Practicing self-love has been transformative. When I consciously started putting myself first, avoiding toxic relationships, and opting for fulfilling opportunities, my life changed dramatically.

Self-Love in Action

Insights from My Journey

1. Taking Charge of Your Life – I realised I always had a choice, either to make fear-driven decisions or empowered ones that aligned with my authenticity. I stopped trying to please others, accommodating unworthy people, and engaging in activities that didn’t fulfil me. When you prioritise self-love, you’ll recognise the importance of your wants and needs and begin honouring them.

2. Setting Stronger Boundaries in Love – By respecting my own needs, I grew more confident and assertive in my new relationship. I eventually found true love after struggling for years. When you establish boundaries from a place of self-love, you’ll feel empowered to stop repeating patterns with unsuitable partners.

3. Freedom from Seeking Approval – The most liberating change was no longer seeking approval from others. As I embraced self-respect and self-love, I stopped worrying about others’ opinions and behaviours to gain their approval. This shift allowed me to be more authentic and less defensive, living true to my values.

4. Making Courageous Decisions –  Leaving my draining job to pursue a slower, more peaceful lifestyle was a decision I made out of self-respect. It wasn’t easy, but it allowed me to prioritise my well-being and happiness. Additionally, finding the courage to love again despite past hurts was a transformative experience. Loving myself has significantly boosted my self-esteem and confidence.

When you love yourself, you naturally become more assured of your abilities and strengths. This newfound self-assurance positively impacts how you interact with others and face challenges. You approach life with a greater sense of resilience and authenticity, knowing that you deserve happiness and fulfilment.

5. Enjoying Solitude – Instead of filling my schedule with meetings and dates to feel wanted. I started enjoying activities I truly loved, like swimming, gardening, building a website and writing. Reconnecting with myself made spending time alone even more enjoyable. Self-love enabled me to find even more comfort in my own company.

6. Strengthening Self-Connection – Investing time in self-care has profoundly deepened my relationship with myself. No longer feeling desperate for external validation, I’ve discovered immense joy in my own company. Embracing self-friendship has boosted my self-assurance and enabled me to trust my instincts fully. Strengthening this self-connection through self-love has not only enriched my personal life but has also enhanced my relationships with others.

Discovering Happiness

In my journey of self-discovery, I’ve learned a profound truth, happiness isn’t dependent on external validation or relationships. It begins within ourselves, through the practice of self-love.

Loving myself taught me that I didn’t need a partner to be happy. Instead of seeking happiness externally, I discovered that the love and fulfilment I sought were already within me. This shift in perspective was transformative, I began to take responsibility for my happiness and stopped relying on others for fulfilment. Happiness ceased to be a distant goal, it became a present reality to cherish and appreciate.

Prioritising self-love and happiness enabled me to liberate myself from unhealthy relationships. By nurturing a positive relationship with myself, I cultivated inner strength and resilience. I learned to trust that genuine friendships would naturally unfold in due time, rather than seeking validation through fleeting connections.

Takeaway

How to Start Loving Yourself More

To begin loving yourself more, start by prioritising your own needs and desires daily. When faced with decisions, take a moment to check in with yourself.

1. Daily Self-Check-in – Introduce a daily practice of self-reflection whenever decisions arise. Ask yourself, “What would feel loving in this situation?”
2. Powerful Questions –  Once you have an answer, delve deeper with three essential questions:

• Does this choice feel good and right for me?

• Will it serve my well-being?

• Will it bring me energy and vitality?

By asking these questions, you’ll learn to honour your own needs and remain true to yourself with kindness and compassion.

There’s a wealth of depth to explore on this topic, yet I’ll reserve it for a future article. Remember, embracing self-love holds transformative potential for your life. Why not begin practising it today?

Join me on this journey of self-discovery and empowerment. Together, let’s harness the power of self-love to discover happiness within ourselves, and nurture independence, and trust in the natural evolution of relationships.