Grooming – 7 helpful ways to know a well-meaning adult or a predator

Predators or rapists

How do you know?

Teachers, priests, pastors, family members, safety officers, school guardians, NGO caretakers, and fundraisers. You can come from any walk of life and be a child predator/rapist. In many cases, a child predator/rapist can be easy to spot. But many hide in the background, use social media or are part of a gang.

As our world changes to allow more social media apps and more smartphones. So do the predators/rapists.

Recently I was asked by a friend what is grooming.

I live in a beautiful country called Cambodia, but sadly over my 15 years, I have been witness to many horrific experiences. Often many of these terrible experiences involve the expat community, as there is a large expat community in the Kingdom of Wonder.

I came to Cambodia and fell in love with it and my passion became wanting to help the beautiful Khmers in any way I could. Khmers have already experienced enough heartbreak. We expats should be here to help, not take.

The new and outstanding generations of Khmers deserve a future that does not involve any more abuse. Especially involving the amazing children of Cambodia, as these are our future.

What is grooming?

Grooming is the process of normalizing inappropriate behaviour between minors and adults. It is a set of actions that an adult takes to subtly or overtly assert inappropriate control and power over a vulnerable person, like a child/ youth but even adults.

Adults groom by slowly normalising an abnormal relationship. They manipulate the person to believe that they’re safe and trustworthy. That the nature of the relationship is normal when in reality it’s anything but normal. The ultimate goal of grooming is abuse.

Types of grooming

Physical grooming

This involves desensitisation to touch. The groomer starts with innocent pats to the arm or back. Which is an acceptable form of touching a younger person. But the offender progresses these touches to hugging, tickling, massaging and wrestling.

Thus, over time the child/ youth is conditioned to the levels of physical contact.  The potential victim feels nothing is wrong. As he or she interprets this as the same touch as being given by a loving parent.

The offender uses these skills to make the child/youth receptive to their touch, which eventually progresses to sexual contact.

This is a deliberate process by which offenders build relationships with victims, often in secrecy. A process by which offenders gradually initiate.

Psychological grooming

This is used on both the child and the family. Offenders spend time with their victims. They show the child/youth attention and will use any possible method of communication to get the child’s attention. This is so the child/youth is on the offender’s level.

Offenders try to become friends with their victims, they are seen as friends with power. Which allows the offender control. They will shower the child/youth with gifts, and treats. They will allow them to break the rules, like having foods they are not normally allowed to eat. Day trips or trips to their friend’s places. Things they are not normally allowed to do.

All this attention allows for a deep connection to be formed between the molester and the child/youth.

If the child pulls away, the offender will show signs of feeling rejected and unhappy. Thus the child feels guilt and confusion. Some offenders will even resort to threats to family, pets or friends if the child/youth wants to stop their special relationship.

At the same time, the offenders groom the parents or caretakers. Who usually feel happy that another parent or adult is showing their child attention.  This allows the offender more access inside and outside of the home.

The result of these tactics is for the offender to isolate the child/children/youth and confuse them into feeling responsible or complicit in the abuse. Which is one of the main reasons why children will not speak out.

Community grooming

This is a way that the offender creates a controlled environment around themselves. These offenders are skilled in projecting an image to and sometimes on others.

They will share all around town and over social media how much good they do to help children. How much they help others in the community. They may have loads of pictures of children hugging and cuddling them. They may share posts all over social media about how much good they do to help the poor. They will show that they are a responsible and caring citizen.

Thus they are placed in a position of trust. They are allowed unmonitored or unsupervised access to children/youths.  Which allows them greater access to their eventual victims.

If a suspicion or allegations ever come forward against the offender. It is easily explained away by the adults in the organization, who have also been groomed by the offender. How could the offender ever harm a child? It must be someone else.

Thus allowing the community to unwittingly enable the offender to keep going. It also confirms what the offender has told the child/youth/ adults as part of the grooming process. That is if they tell, they will not be believed.

Here are some signs of what to look out for if you think your child or you are being groomed

1 – The person is taking a huge interest in you, and your life.

Yes, it is nice when someone is interested in you and your life. But pay attention if they are texting you or contacting you a lot. Making promises very quickly but breaking them quickly too. Giving you gifts or helping more than the normal person.

Groomers work hard to befriend their victims and earn their victim’s trust. They worm their way into your life. But they are ultimately manipulating you and will eventually ask for something in return.

2 – They talk about inappropriate adult topics

They may discuss their intimate relationships with you. They may even discuss or write sexual content for you to hear or read.

They may talk about topics that seem harmless, like problems with work colleagues or friends. But the problem lies with how heavily they rely on you for emotional support or comfort.

Examples can be

They may excessively call you, cry when they see you, or ask for lots of hugs.

You are not responsible for taking care of an adult’s needs. If an adult makes you feel this way that is a huge red flag.

3 They will tell you or others to keep secrets

If someone starts sharing sensitive information with you or starts engaging in certain behaviours with you and telling you to keep a secret this could be an indication they are grooming.

Examples can be

“ Do not tell your mum or dad. They will not understand. You are a great kid and deserve somebody who knows how special you are. But don’t tell them I said that.”

“Do not tell anybody that I rubbed your belly. It is just us being friends. Other people will never understand. “

4 – They will try and get alone time with you

It is normal for groomers to try and get their victims alone. This is so they can say things that they wouldn’t say around other adults. They do this to see how you would respond to their behaviour.

This is a difficult line to cross though. As sometimes an adult is a well-meaning mentor. But if someone is going out of their way to get you alone and insists your parent or other adults do not need to be around,  this could be their way of isolating you.

Abusers never want others to figure out what they are doing. So, the fewer people involved the better. As isolation is part of the control.

5 – They can try to fill in what you need

When someone always hangs around you.  When someone is always going out of their way to please you, it is ultimately a tactic by the groomer.

If you are struggling with anything in your life and you feel you have no one to talk to.  A groomer will use this opportunity to get closer to you.

This person will make themselves available to there to hear all the details.  So that you confide in them. They will get all the information so you bond with them. This part is ultimately getting you to rely on them for comfort. As offenders gradually initiate and maintain.

But by becoming reliant on this person and trusting this person you end up feeling brainwashed. Thus you would do things you normally wouldn’t do. Which makes you start to feel close to this person, who is manipulating you.

6 – Watch if they try to give you drugs or alcohol

If an adult tries to give you any drugs or alcohol this is very dangerous. Groomers use substances as a tool. Because mind-altering substances lower a victim’s inhibitions and ability to consent.

Furthermore, this can be a way to make the victim feel special. Thus creating relationships with victims in secrecy.

7 – They are very touchy

Physical grooming involves a desensitisation to touch. A sexual touch is a very obvious sign of grooming or abuse.

But groomers will start with innocent pats on the back, or arm. Which is an acceptable form of touching a younger person. But when an adult that is not your parents progresses the touch to tickling you, hugging, wrestling or massaging this is a red flag.  

It is common for groomers to start with an innocent touch. This is an effort to desensitize you. So that later they can progress to a more inappropriate touch.

Take away