What is a Narcissist?
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), according to Mayoclinic.org is a mental condition where individuals have an inflated sense of their importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But why do some people become narcissists, and why are others drawn to them? Let’s explore this in detail.
Why do we become a narcissist?
The Role of Childhood
Many narcissists may have had a narcissistic parent, setting them up to either exhibit or endure narcissistic behaviours. Even if your childhood seemed “normal,” the parenting you received might have unknowingly shaped your vulnerability to narcissistic relationships.
Parents often raise children based on their own beliefs and experiences, without formal training on how to parent effectively. While their intentions may be good, this lack of guidance can lead to unintended consequences, including emotional trauma that makes us prone to narcissistic relationships later in life.
Why Are We Prone to Narcissistic Relationships?
There are several reasons why some people are more likely to attract or be attracted to narcissists:
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We Are Trained to Distract Our Intuition
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Our True Being Was Trained to Be Ignored
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Being Shut Down When We Have Negative Feelings
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Having a Fear of Abandonment
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Having Our Boundaries Destroyed
Let’s break these down further.
Number 1 –We Are Trained to Distract Our Intuition
Narcissists thrive when we ignore our inner voice. If, as a child, you were taught not to trust your intuition? , you may struggle to recognise red flags in relationships. For example, if your parents dismissed your concerns with phrases like, “Nothing is wrong, go to your room,” you learned to doubt your feelings.
This conditioning can lead to self-doubt and a tendency to believe others over your own instincts. In toxic relationships, this makes you an easy target for manipulation and lies.
Number 2 – Our true being was trained to be ignored
If you were silenced as a child—told not to make a scene or express yourself—you may have grown up feeling invalidated. This can lead to low self-worth and a tendency to seek validation from others, which narcissists exploit.
Narcissists love to control and dominate, making you feel unlovable unless you conform to their expectations. This mirrors the dynamic of a parent who failed to see you as an individual with your own needs and emotions.
Number 3 – Being shut down when we have negative feelings
Telling a child not to express negative emotions—anger, sadness, or fear—can lead to unresolved trauma. Phrases like, “If you cry, I’ll give you something to cry about,” teach children to suppress their feelings, which can manifest as anxiety, depression, or self-harm in adulthood.
Narcissists take advantage of this by blaming and shaming you for your emotions, making you feel defective and unworthy.
Number 4 – Having the fear Of Abandonment
A deep-seated fear of abandonment often stems from childhood trauma or distressing adult relationships. This fear can make it difficult to maintain healthy relationships, as you may cling to toxic partners out of fear of being alone.
Narcissists sense this fear and use it to manipulate and control you, playing on your insecurities to keep you dependent on them.
Number 5 – Having our boundaries destroyed
If your boundaries were violated as a child—whether through forced behaviours like eating everything on your plate or invasions of privacy like reading your diary—you may struggle to assert yourself as an adult.
Narcissists exploit this by disregarding your boundaries, making you feel powerless and unable to stand up for yourself.
What are the red flags of a narcissist?
While there are no definitive red flags, narcissists often display certain behaviours:
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An excessive need for admiration and validation.
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A lack of empathy for others.
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A tendency to manipulate and control.
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A focus on their own achievements while dismissing others.
If you notice these traits in someone, it’s important to protect yourself and seek support.
How to Stop Attracting Narcissists
The key to breaking the cycle is healing from within. This means addressing unresolved trauma, rebuilding your self-esteem, and learning to set healthy boundaries. Therapy, self-reflection, and support from loved ones can all play a crucial role in this process.
Takeaway
Narcissists Seek Out Vulnerable People
Narcissists are skilled at identifying and exploiting those who have been emotionally damaged. If you’re in a narcissistic relationship or recovering from one, it’s important to seek help and surround yourself with supportive people.
For further reading, check out my other blogs:
If you know someone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissist, be there for them. Trauma doesn’t disappear overnight, and your support can make a world of difference.
Disclaimer: If you’re in immediate danger or facing harm, please seek professional help or contact local authorities. Your safety and well-being are the top priority.
Recommended Reading for Personal Growth and Healing
1. Why Do We Find Change So Difficult?
The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt
This book explores the psychological and philosophical foundations of happiness, helping you understand why change can feel so daunting and how to embrace it effectively.
2. How to Change Your Habits
Atomic Habits by James Clear
A practical guide to building good habits and breaking bad ones. Clear’s science-backed strategies make it easier to create lasting change in your life.
3. Using Science to Transform Yourself
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza
This book combines neuroscience and spirituality to help you rewire your brain and break free from self-limiting beliefs.
4. Recovering from a Narcissistic Parent
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
A compassionate guide for daughters of narcissistic mothers, offering tools to heal from emotional trauma and rebuild self-esteem.
5. Strength for Dealing with Narcissistic People
Highly Sensitive Empaths and Narcissists by Victor Murphy
This book provides strategies for empaths to protect themselves from narcissistic abuse while maintaining their sensitivity and compassion.
6. Recognising and Dealing with Manipulation
The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People by Shahida Arabi MA
A must-read for anyone navigating toxic relationships. This book offers practical advice on identifying manipulation tactics and setting healthy boundaries.
Why These Books Matter
Whether you’re healing from past trauma, trying to break unhealthy habits, or learning to protect yourself from toxic people, these books offer valuable insights and actionable steps. They’re not just about understanding your struggles—they’re about empowering you to create a happier, healthier life.
