What is a narcissist?

Narcissists (Narcissistic personality disorder ) –  According to Mayoclinic.org is one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”

Why do we become a narcissist? 

 Maybe our childhood

We could have had a narcissistic parent. Thus we have been automatically set up to receive narcissistic abuse.

But most of our childhoods were “Normal” you might think or say. The parenting we received seemed to look that way.

I mean our parents thought they were doing a wonderful job. Hence they were bringing us up the way they felt fit.

There is no training on how to be a parent.  To tell the truth, if there was then it would probably save a lot of heartache.

What is it that makes us prone to be with a narcissist?

There are a few reasons why

1 – We are trained to distract our intuition

2 – Our true being was trained to be ignored

3 – Being shut down when we have negative feelings

4 – Having the fear Of Abandonment

5 – Having our boundaries destroyed

Number 1 – We are trained to distract our intuition

Narcissists love this

What if you were trained not to trust your intuition?  How would that make you feel as an adult?

Incidentally, I was trained not to trust my intuition.  But my parents had no clue they were training me this way.

In short, this was just part of what they did. When my mum and dad would argue I would ask them

“What’s wrong?”

The reply was always the same

“ Nothing is wrong, go away and play in your bedroom. ”

As a child, you see your parents as a type of god. As parents are the ones that tell you the truth, why would they not?

Thus when you have to deal with answers like this you quickly learn that you must have got it wrong. As there is nothing wrong, so it must have been your mistake.

You start to distract

Any emotions you’re feeling. This can be by going to your bedroom, going to play with your friends or like in my case I would disassociate.

If you have received this type of parenting. You have been trained to believe what other people say rather than listen to your inner voice. Your inner voice knows something is wrong but you now feel you are not allowed to listen to it.

Clearly in toxic families, there are many lies, deceptions and manipulations. Which can take this to an even more dangerous level. So, I am not talking about this type of parenting.

As a child, you will believe what you are being told. You will believe what is the supposed truth. As this makes you feel comfortable.

So how do you know what’s real and what’s not real?

Sadly, we do not always know. Especially if you are not being told the truth and you are now being silenced.

Being silenced usually makes you start lying to yourself. As this becomes your way of protection.

Many people who are narcissistic love to hide the truth. My ex-partner did and not just to me but the whole town. Find out more.

If a parent refuses to own up and be honest. They are just teaching their child to cover up feelings and emotions.

Parents may believe they are protecting us by lying about what the truth is. Maybe they feel they have the authority to do so. As remember you should never admit you are wrong. 

We do not know if they are protecting us. But we do know this attitude is not helpful and can cause a lot of damage in the future.

In a narcissistic relationship

We ignore our inner thoughts. We assign the narcissist the authority to control us.  Just like when we were a child, our parents control us. Thus we doubt ourselves.

Number 2 – Our true being was trained to be ignored

Narcissists enjoy this

As a child, if I tried to have a voice I was told to keep quiet. Do not make a scene. This attitude of a parent boils down to a parent not seeing us as a small person. A small person that is made of flesh and blood. 

The message I received from this style of parenting was I am not valid, important or worthy of being me. That I have to go along with and agree with someone else’s version of who I am and if I don’t I am bad, unlovable and defective.

Yes, children need boundaries, routines and limits. But if they are not allowed to be a child who can express, explore, play and dream. Then that child becomes filled with feelings of I am unacceptable.

Narcissistic behavior

Narcissists love this behaviour from a person as they want people to feel unloved. They want people who can’t stand on their own two feet and who are always searching for love from others.

This way a narcissist can demand more and more from you. They do this by exploiting you and emptying you.  The same as a parent who never recognises you as flesh and blood did to you.

Number 3 – Being shut down when we have negative feelings

Narcissists take pleasure in this

It is dangerous to tell a child not to have negative emotions or feelings. Why would you teach a child not to be angry, don’t cry, or even go away I don’t want to hear it. Which means go away  I’m too busy to listen.

I’m too busy to listen means I am too damaged myself to care about your feelings. I have to think of myself.

You may have heard

“If you want to cry I will give you something to cry about.”

or

”You are hurt, look at how you have hurt me. “

All of this upbringing usually results in unresolved trauma. As these painful emotions have nowhere to go, because they were never met.

You could start abusing yourself

As you have not been able to let go of these feelings. These feelings will build up and toxically affect you. Thus creating anxiety and depression. In my case,  bulimia, disassociation and many other things. I abused myself as I was not allowed to lash out at others so I attacked myself.

If you have bad feelings remember you are still a beautiful soul, inside and outside. But you may have a lot of unresolved traumas within you. Which could make you spend the rest of your time blaming yourself for your emotions.

To not resolve these emotions means you disconnect from them instead of supporting and loving yourself through them. 

You may even beat yourself up for having them. The problem with not resolving them means you will have more people come into your life who will blame, shame, and hurt you. These types of people will only validate the bad emotions you are feeling.

You have to get help

If you do not get help you will struggle to accept the right people in your life. Those who are willing to truly support you. As they can see you are not supporting yourself.

You may even find it hard to find a friend to talk to. You may find you can’t heal from trauma and continue to hold people responsible. But then you become the victim.

These emotions are like the law of attraction and will bring a narcissist into your life. A narcissist will then make you look like the bad one. The one that is damaged and defective thus making themselves look the good one.

Number 4 – Having the fear Of Abandonment

Narcissists love to abandon you

Fear of abandonment is that overwhelming worry that you may have when people close to you leave you.

Anyone can develop these feelings and they usually come from a deep-rooted traumatic experience that you may have suffered in childhood. It can also even stem from a distressing relationship in adulthood.

Having this fear of abandonment can make it almost impossible to maintain a healthy relationship.

This feeling can make you back away for fear of getting hurt. This type of feeling is exactly what a narcissist enjoys. They can see, feel and almost smell your fear.

This allows them to play with you, as much as they can. The first step in overcoming your fear to acknowledge it and be aware of why you feel this way.

Number 5 – Having our boundaries destroyed

Narcissists crave this

Maybe you were forced to eat everything on your plate when you were a child. If you did not you were not allowed down from the table.

I was brought up like this. Which led to me coming up with a few different plans to get away with not eating my dinner.  But I usually got caught. Which then led to anorexia and bulimia nervosa.

Maybe your parents even distrusted you and looked in your bedroom. Maybe they read your diary. These are simple examples and naturally, there are many more.

Many people have suffered boundary violations from their parents, family members or even adults they thought they could trust.

But when you have been brought up this way. Your parent is allowing you to become the type of person who allows others to invade your space.

There are many damaging patterns here. The first is not growing up seeing yourself as a small being with rights. Which allows you in later life to give away personal property easily to anyone you see as an outside authority.

Thus creating another way that plays directly into the hands of the narcissist. They then can strip you of your rights. As it’s then all for their gain.

Which in turn makes you fearful about standing up for yourself. You also won’t say no for fear of risking disapproval and you take the risk of getting hurt by those that seek to exploit you.

All because as a child you were powerless to set boundaries and suffered if you tried to.

What are the red flags of a narcissist?

How can you tell if someone is a narcissist?

Sadly there are no real red flags. Just look for someone more interested in letting the world know how good they are.

As good people usually keep quiet and let the world work out how good they are. I made a huge mistake and I ended up with Brain damage after being with a narcissist. But that was another life lesson that only made me stronger and made me want to help others even more.

So how can you stop attracting narcissists? Well, there is no quick answer.

You can only work on healing yourself. Heal yourself from within before it is too late.

But that can be a challenge as you may have been so traumatised. If you have please get help now.

Takeaway

Narcissists are highly skilled in seeking out the people they can damage

If you are suffering abuse from being with a narcissist please read my other blogs Narcissistic Psychopaths 7 True Reasons to Avoid One and Narcissist – 13 Significant Signs that You’re Dealing with One

If you have a friend who has suffered or is suffering from being with a narcissist. Please be there for them no matter what. It is very important. Even if it is years after the event. A trauma never goes away for the person who has suffered. So be mindful when talking to them.

Please get help now if you think you are in danger.